Sticky Grace

“We don’t think of our flaws as the glue that binds us to the people we love, but they are. Grace only sticks to our imperfections. Those who can’t accept their imperfections can’t accept grace either.” -Donald Miller

I’m reading the book Scary Close by Donald Miller right now and let me tell you, it’s got some good stuff in there. These words literally took my breath. I sat there for a good minute just letting all the words wash over me and just kept saying “wow” over and over again. This is so it, isn’t it guys? I try so hard to undermine this statement. I try to be perfect in my relationships so I will never be at fault. So I will always be superior. So I will never be wrong. Yeah, I just put all that out there. I’m not as cool as you thought. I know.

“Grace only sticks to our imperfections.” Confession: I hate stickiness. With 3 kids there is a lot of sticky at my house. Not as much as when they were toddlers but it still lives at my house. There’s nothing worse than sitting down and placing your arm on a table and feeling some sort of gooey-ness. It’s nasty. I get the same feeling when I go to open my fridge and the handle has some sort of ickiness hiding on the backside of it. Ew. And don’t get me started on granite countertops. They’re a blessing and a curse for the exact same reason. They hide everything. At least twice a week I sit down to our kitchen island and land my hand in some sort of dried up jelly or apple juice. Curses, you granite! You deceived me again! As you can see, stickiness is a problem for me. And guess what?

Grace is sticky.

I’m not really what people would call a “go-getter.” I drag my feet. I make up excuses. I say it’s just not really my personality. I think I’ve led myself to believe it’s not my personality to cover up the truth about myself. My flaw. One of many to be sure, but this flaw bleeds into many areas of my life: the fear of not being good enough. You need to know I sat here for a long time before I even had the courage to type those words. Now I’m just staring at the computer screen wondering if I should take them back. I won’t because I have a sneaking suspicion I may not be the only one who struggles with this. I’ve found the beauty of sharing our struggles is finding out we’re not alone. Feeling like you’re alone is the worst.

My fear of not being good enough plays out in many different ways. It is one of those fears that are married to the fear of failure/rejection. I have a hard time trying new things or putting myself out there so I end up doing nothing at all. If I do nothing then I certainly can’t fail, right? Then the weirdest thing happens. I do nothing. I stay the same. I don’t grow. I get comfortable in my fear. I cover myself with it like a blanket and settle in. In my warped mind this seems better. I’m used to my fear. We’ve had a longstanding relationship that’s kept me believing the lie that I’m not good enough/smart enough/talented enough/brave enough to change the path laid before me even if I wanted to. For me, starting to write for other people to read is one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I never think I’m awesome at it. I never think it’s good enough. I always think I could’ve been funnier or smarter or wiser in my words. This is a major flaw.

Wanna know who tells me I’m good enough? The hubs. Ya’ll thought I was going to say God didn’t you? Because of Jesus of course He does, but sometimes God blesses us and gives us a person with skin on to remind us too. Kyle loves me in spite of my fears and this is one of the reasons why I’m stuck to him. He offers me sticky grace. I don’t want to need his words of affirmation but I do. None of us really want to need anything. Scratch that. I shouldn’t lump you in with me. Maybe you are perfectly happy needing people and relying on others in relationships. You are far more mentally healthy than I am. The thing is if I didn’t need grace for my imperfection then I wouldn’t need Jesus, the giver of all grace. And if I didn’t need Jesus it would mean our world is perfect. Last time I checked, our world is far from perfect so I’m going to let that grace take me by the hand. I’m going to let that grace show me that this life isn’t about me anyway so I shouldn’t get too hung up on my flaws. Maybe I’ll even let that grace take the place of my fears and cover me up like a blanket. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Anybody else have any flaws they’re willing to share? It’s ok. I promise you’re not the only one.

-Courtney

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