Tag Archives: Satire

Nashville Clothing Crisis!

People of Nashville,

I wanted to make you aware of a clothing crisis going on in our area. I wouldn’t have believed it had I not seen it with my own eyes. From what I can tell it’s affecting women ages 16-29, roughly, but who knows how fast it could spread to our children.

I saw signs of it on social media when people were posting prom pictures, but it wasn’t until recently that I saw it with my own eyes. I went with my family to the Nashville Sounds game and couldn’t stop staring. It was like I had walked into a filming of National Geographic.

So. Much. Skin.

Women were walking around with their bums hanging out of their high-waisted cut off shorts. I can only assume they were hand-me-downs from their mothers because they looked like something from the 80s. Are women here really walking around with 30+ year old tattered, holey shorts? They can’t afford new shorts that cover their WHOLE behinds? Guys, we can do better than this.

Other women were in such dire need of clothing they were wearing shirts that were obviously made for toddlers. It was appalling. Grown women so destitute they had to wear children’s clothing because they couldn’t afford a full shirt in their own size. Their concave bellies must be showing all the time because they were very, very tan although it’s not quite summer yet. They’ll probably have skin cancer from all the exposure. Can you imagine? Being forced to buy from the children’s department because it’s more affordable than adult clothing! These poor girls.

Girls were also resurrecting the infamous bodysuit. You know, basically the onesie made for an adult that was popular back in the ‘90s? Yep, that’s the one. I guess these girls were raiding their mothers’ closets and thought those would be a good throwback because who on earth would buy that tragic piece of clothing now? It’s saying to the world, “Hey World, I know you can’t see it but I have a front wedgie!” It was hard enough to snap those silly onesies when I had babies, why on earth would I want to do that to myself? And, lesbihonest, I’d have to be some sort of contortionist to make sure they were snapped correctly on myself. “Limber” has never been a word used to describe me.

Women of Nashville, I implore you to help with this clothing crisis! Do we need to hold a clothing drive for these poor young ladies? They shouldn’t have to walk the streets with their fannies exposed to the world. And we should be able to provide them with shirts that actually cover their sunken bellies! Oh sweet ladies, we need to help these young girls and get them clothes that cover the necessary body parts. Maybe we could have a sponsorship program like they did with the millennials (see the promo video here). Hmmmm, it’s a thought. If you have any ideas on how to solve this clothing crisis, please email me. Together we can end high waisted shorts and body suits.


*If the sarcasm was lost on you in this post, my apologies, let me be direct: Girls, put some clothes on.

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Hey Church, can we please stop doing this?

It’s been a tough week. Our world has seen unthinkable violence. Turmoil seems to be the baseline. Do we let the Syrian refugees in? Do we keep them out? What’s the right answer? Truth be told, I’m torn myself. But that’s not what this post is about. Sometimes the world’s issues become too heavy and I need to escape. Today, I need some nonsense. I need to read something that is completely inconsequential. Maybe you need that too.

This is an essay I wrote a while back with hopes of guest posting it to another person’s website but decided to save it for my own instead. It’s about silly things Christians do and is not meant to be taken seriously. Hope you enjoy it!

Do we have to? Do we really have to hold hands while we pray? Is holding hands a necessary means to be closer to God? Is locking sweaty hands with our pew buddy a must during corporate prayer? I don’t know about the rest of the congregation but I am all for getting rid of awkward handholding with strangers during church.

I’ve been a churchgoer for 30+ years and am well versed in this type of prayer practice. The pastor wants to make the congregation feel more connected. The small group leader wants to create more intimacy. Whatever the case may be, I get it. We all want to “do life together” and “fellowship” but why does that require clasping sweaty palms with our neighbor? And if we have to grasp hands can we put a time cap on the person praying? Say 2-3 minutes? This gives enough time to create intimacy before the glands go into moisture overload into your neighbor’s hand. Holding hands much longer and I feel it’s imperative to let go and wipe my hand on my pants. Or worse, I need to cough and use my hand to cover my mouth then what do I do? Do I re-enter into handholding with my germ-infested hand? Leave the hand hanging there and accidentally touch pinkies with the person’s hand I just dropped? You could cut the tension with a knife. And I don’t know about you but when you take away the use of my hands something on my body immediately becomes itchy. Like the minute I can’t use my hands I feel the need to scratch my nose. Then I try to do the weird shoulder-rub to the face because I don’t want to let go of my new “friend’s” hand and make him uncomfortable. I don’t want him to feel like I don’t want to be close to him even though I don’t know his name. During these times the last thing I’m thinking about is the prayer being said. My self-consciousness has taken over and left me incapable of thinking about anything else.

So here’s my solution. Instead of handholding during prayers, let’s shoulder-up to our neighbor. If we have to be touching, why not just allow our upper arms to touch? This way, we are a Wall for Jesus. This is much stronger than Red Rover handholding. No one breaks through the wall. Usually everyone’s upper arms are covered so skin-to-skin contact is minimal, unless it’s summer and someone decided to sport his finest muscle tee to church. (#sunsoutgunsout) Odds are he isn’t coming to church immediately after a workout so his arms should be cool and dry. And if at some point you have the urge to hold hands, just reach over and grab the one on the other side of your body. Everyone wins. And you won’t hurt your own feelings when your hands get sweaty and you have to wipe them off.

Does anyone else get antsy about holding hands with strangers?


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